Edible Apple

The Onion today came out with a hilarious article describing the release of a new iPhone model called the iPhone 3Gi that’s only visible to the “most loyal of customers.”

SAN FRANCISCO—In a move expected to revolutionize the mobile device industry, Apple launched its fastest and most powerful iPhone to date Tuesday, an innovative new model that can only be seen by the company’s hippest and most dedicated customers.

“I am proud today to introduce to those who really, truly deserve it, our most incredible iPhone yet,” announced Apple CEO Steve Jobs, extending his seemingly empty left palm toward the eagerly awaiting crowd. “Not only is this our lightest and slimmest model ever, but as any truly savvy Apple customer can clearly see, it’s also the most handsome product we’ve ever designed.”

The packed auditorium, which had been listening to Jobs in hushed reverence for several minutes, then erupted into applause, with hundreds of men and women suddenly jumping to their feet and shouting, “I can see it!” “Look, there it is!” and “God, it’s so beautiful!”

According to Apple, the new iPhone 3GI boasts significant hardware and software upgrades, superior processing speeds, and a multi-touch interface that provides those who are “cool enough” with a rich user experience. The wide-screen display reportedly also features the most brilliant colors and finest resolution ever imagined.

“The new 3GI is as light as air,” said Apple senior vice president Philip Schiller, reaching inside an empty display case, apparently to remove the mobile device. “See how thin that is? It’s like it’s not even there.”

“Those who really understand what we do here at Apple are going to love this new product,” Schiller continued. “Unless, you know, they happen to be totally lame.”

Retailing for $599, the iPhone 3GI offers only the most special Apple consumers—the ones who believe in the company more than anything else in the world, and who would never, ever dream of questioning it—the ability to open dozens of powerful applications at once. In addition, the new multimedia device will provide true Apple fans with a high-definition video camera, one-tap editing with Final Cut Pro, and cut and paste.

You can check out the rest of the article over here.